Lets Meet

She peeped over the cardboard cup spewing the aroma of burnt beans.
She took a long discouraging sip. She always hated coffee but she drank it anyways. Somehow it made her seem more sophisticated. She needed more sugar, more milk, more life. With her head held down she glided over to the condiments table across from her post. She made sure not to attract any extra attention. She took another look hoping that the hood on her pee coat would hide her glare. He was still sitting there by the door face set on the New York Times article he had been reading for the past 45 minutes. She was convinced that he was hiding something behind that paper and somehow she desperately wanted to know what it was. The creamy milk somehow became fascinating. It wasn’t like the milk at home or any other milk she had ever seen. Perhaps it wasn’t milk at all. Oh that’s right it says cream. She got the urge to taste it, all by itself. There was something seductive about it and she wanted to taste its goodness without any distractions. People don’t really drink cream but they add it to everything because they know it will make it taste better. So why not drink it by itself? She dabbed her finger into the small puddle of cream she managed to spill strategically on to the table then sucked the cream off. She liked it. Satisfied she walked back to her post only to find that it had become occupied. She looked around for another seat but could only find one vacant in the front of the café right next to him.
“Mister bigman750” she exhaled. He was not what she had imagined. Attractive, yes, but there was an awkward aura to him that did not rub her the right way. For one he was way too punctual; showing up to meet her 15 minutes before they had planned, she thought he must not have anything better to do that day but to rush over and meet his online crush. He wore a horrific crispy blue button up that still had the fold marks from coming right out the package. And he kept his face covered by the newspaper as if he too was weary of this whole occasion. She had had enough. A hour had already went by and she hoped that he would leave but he was dead set on waiting for the person he didn’t know was already there. She was afraid he would recognize her from the profile picture if she tried to make an exit so she waited it out with him. But this was ridiculous so she decided to go take the seat by his side and wait to be wooed.
She was reluctant to remove her hood but thought she looked weird so she disposed of if slowly. She was definitely a red head. He looked at her from the corner of his eye, still dead set on keeping the newspaper in front of his face. It was her, “hotmama69” and she was gorgeous. Everything he had hoped for. She seemed to have appeared out of nowhere, like an angel from heaven. He wanted to say, “Hi how are you?” But he was way too exited at the moment and he was afraid he might have screeched it out too fast. She didn’t seem to recognize him anyway, or did she? He hated when he got like this; shy, or really afraid. How could a grown ass man with his status be so afraid to let lose and let go. She would definitely appreciate his conversation, he was articulate, but she might ask him something about politics, something he knew very little about. She might ask him about his hobbies but he had none, unless you considered staying up all night on the computer in chat rooms while watching porn and eating take out in his three bedroom condo, two of which were completely empty. What about his friends? He had some cool friends back from college; all had fantastic lives and could talk the panties off of any woman, even her. But he kept his distance from them and focused more on his career and making excuses for himself. He looked at the paper.

“Hi”
Somehow he said “Hello”.
They sat in silence all night until the café closed. They walked away in opposite directions both hoping they could somehow manage to try it again.

This Is Personal

I’m sitting here in the heart of Downtown Oakland somewhat giggling on the inside. I’m staring at my father wondering where exactly did he come from and how we ever managed to get to where we are today. I’m treating him to dinner for his birthday; the ultimate symbol of acquired adulthood. I’ve had time to reflect on our relationship over the years. I was once a self-proclaimed daddy’s girl only to become someone who only recognized her father as just that and nothing more. I learned at an early age that he was human and humans made big mistakes. The type of slip-ups that would change the scope of their lives forever.
It was dark. It was cold. I was walking fast. We always thought about running away from our parents when they managed to reach the elliptical of pissing us off. Me, I could always close my eyes and feel the satisfaction in closing the door behind me and leaving my mom and dad’s to burry themselves in shock and regret. A deep sensation that would come with a serene exhale of relief. This was not quite what I imagined. But something ironic had come over me. At first it seemed to be the palm of my fathers hand over my eye. But no, it was just that and something much more. I walked faster. I was accustomed to walking fast these days. It was Oakland and Berkeley. I always walked that fast. That’s what originally made him mad. Or maybe it was my attitude towards him attempting to ruin my life once more. I didn’t want to fill out those papers to go to Athenian. The school of non-cultural geniuses way out in the boonies of, I didn’t even know where it was. “He’s trying to send me boarding school to make himself look better.” We left the little Berkeley library across from the basketball courts. I remember we used to go there a lot when I was little, before my little sister was born, before the divorce, back when I was amazed at his intelligence and was determined to be the same. At that point he couldn’t possibly look dumb. I was walking fast. He told me to slow down and walk by his side. “What for?” I kept walking.
I got in the car or what was left of one. My dad was driving my grandparents fifty year old and beat up burgundy Mercedes with no working seat belts, embarrassing upholstery, and no locks on the doors. Oh but it had electric windows. What the hell? Only he would find the beauty in such pieces of crap. I waited for him to get in the car with my little sister, so clueless as to what our life was really about. I was prepared for his smart-ass remarks. I had obviously learned from the best. By this time I was fifteen, on my own mentally, a complete wreck, no longer pure, and he knew it. I had nothing more to loose. He was pissed. Oh I loved it. He went on to yell as we drove down Martin Luther King Way. We made a song about this street when I was little: “Martin Luther King Jr. Way all the way hey!” I tuned him out. He was saying something about me having no respect and having a bitchy attitude. Just like my older sister. “ Martin Luther King got on his knees so he could pray every day hey!” I just dipped in and out of his rant as I gazed out the window no longer worried about that might see me in the atrocious burgundy machine. Then it happened. “You think it’s funny huh!” My head flew back. My neck wasn’t strong enough to fight the thrust of his masculine hand. My eye wasn’t strong enough to not feel the pain he left. My baby sister was scared. I didn’t cry but she sure did cry for me. He didn’t mean to hit me that hard. I felt his body language. Tears somehow managed to escape my thick and prideful lids. I wanted to hop out the car right the and there. But I wouldn’t get far and I decided it wasn’t smart. My chest was burning and my eye felt heavy. He was quiet.
We pulled into the Walgreens just above MLK to get my little sister some cough medicine. We were on our way to go to bed at my Grandparents house in East Oakland; where we spent our visitations because he was too cheap to get his own place. “Lets go.” I followed him and my little sister into the store. He was walking fast. She was dragging behind him still shaken up. As I reached the entrance of the store I glanced at the dark medium built security guard. He looked at me awkwardly as if he had a million questions. My eye was still watering and barely open. I watched my dad as he turned the corner towards the medicine aisle. “Fuck that.” I turned around and walked out the entrance of the store. I sped walked to the burgandy beast that was no doubt unlocked, grabbed my bag and began walking away.
I didn’t want to go to my mother’s house, but at that moment I had no choice. It was late, it was dark, and I had nowhere else to go. I figured I would walk down the side streets of North Oakland all the way through Berkeley. If I didn’t he would find me. I crossed the first big street towards the numbered streets that I planed to zigg-zagg through. I was in a zone. I barely noticed the station wagon until they turned in front of me. “Nigger!” It was a car full of White guys with nothing better to do but call a young depressed black girl a nigger. If I hadn’t been so distraught I would have made some gesture, or even registered what had just happened to me. I just kept walking. What is the likelihood now and days that a girl from Oakland would be chased down by a group of hicks in Oakland just after her father had hit her? I managed to reach a neighborhood that was offset from the busier streets in that area, a street my father would definitely not think to travel. Another car pulled up. This time it was a nice car full of Negroes. “Hey!” I didn’t look in their direction. “Hey let me talk to you for a minute.” I wanted them to go away. I was definitely in no mood for horny bastards. “I’m not in the mod right now.” I still had tears leaking from my eye which was on the same side they decided was cute enough for their standards. “Aww I can make you feel better lil’ mamma come here.” For a brief second I thought about getting in the car. It would be the ultimate rebellious act. I would feel justified, but fear and integrity led me to keep walking and shaking my head no until they got tired of harassing me and drove away. I was walking faster.
Once I got to Berkeley I knew my dad had discovered that I was missing. That brought about a sense of gross gratification. He wouldn’t find me. I knew exactly where I was and where I was going; I possessed an inherited keen sense of direction from him of course. I decided not to walk to my mom’s house because he would definitely be circling that neighborhood in attempt to resolve his embarrassment. I walked down Stuart Street until I got to McGee Avenue Baptist Church. This is my great grandmother’s church. I heard loud speaking so in search of a deep, spiritual, and personal meaning to my circumstance, I went inside. I sat in the back of the pulpit and observed the minister who was loud, over excited, and just wasn’t reaching me in any way. But I was in the lord’s house so peace came upon me. At the time I didn’t have my cell phone because my mom had took it, the ultimate punishment. I found a pay phone in one of the side rooms and began making collect calls. Something I never had to do before.
My mom sent my usually drunk uncle inside to come get me. She sat outside in her dark blue car looking as normal as she possibly could. I was never happier to see her, but I knew that the drama would definitely not end there. At home she made the decision to call the Berkeley Police department. Two police officers came into our little one bedroom shack, asked a bunch of questions and took a bunch of pictures of my eye. I was in a strangely incoherent and nonchalant mood, something that soon became common for me. “Do you wish to press charges against your father?” He was my dad. I still loved him; I didn’t want him to go to jail. I just let them take down my statement and left it at that. My mom was unusually supportive. Made sense to me because her and my father had been going at one another’s throat for the past four years. I imagined her fulfillment was tremendous compared to mine. I went to sleep that night peacefully.
I went months without seeing my father. For Christmas he sent me presents, we spoke on the phone briefly and that was that. Eventually following my mother’s guerilla war attacks in the courtroom, the court ordered my dad and I to awful counseling sessions with a woman who barely spoke English and my dad to have visitation with me for a few hours a week only. The first day he came to get me I felt so out of place. I wanted to stay upset but my daddy hugged me so hard. I knew he loved me but I also kept my guard up. I had gotten sick after the night he hit me so he couldn’t stop commenting on how much weight I had lost. We went to a little restaurant in Oakland that sold crepes; figured. I didn’t have much to say I just answered all of his questions. Then he said something that completely dismayed me. “You know you owe me an apology right? What made you do that?” He laughed. I simply replied, “This isn’t the time right now I just want to eat.” There was no denying my strength. I would never let any man get away with physically abusing me. We never spoke about it again.

I Got Close: Derived from the novel Beloved

Me and you, we got more yesterday than anybody
I see
And a paper picture of just how bad she must look raised itself up
before her minds eye
irises the same color as her skin
Your love is too thick

How did she know?
I got close
And the heart that beat inside it had not for a single moment
stopped in her hands
Your love is too thick

Just cry
Follow the tree flowers, only the flowers
as they go, you go.
You will be where you want to be when
they are gone
Breathe hard I can find you
Your love is too thick

I’m too old and I seen too much
How did she know?
Giving advice; passing messages, healing the sick, loving,
cooking, loving, preaching, singing, dancing and loving
everybody like it was her job and hers alone
Your love is too thick

No that’s one question. There’s one more
Where’s the blood?
She decided to do something with the fruit worthy
of man’s labor and his love
I hear. I hear
She moved him
She left me
Just me
Just cry.
No thank you
You got to love you, you!
Love it hard
I got close
Yonder they do not love your flesh. They despise it.
They open the sun but not to the birds.
Love it hard
Me? Me?
To lay it down sword and shield
We need some kind of tomorrow

The Four Elements Of Intimacy

Intimacy as complex as it can be, defines the characteristics of a true meaningful and rewarding romantic relationship. As defined in the American Heritage Dictionary, intimacy, being the condition of being intimate, is to be marked by close association, or familiarity. It is also defined as “pertaining to or indicative of ones deepest nature.” To be intimate with some one is to share with them the ingredients of who you are, which are kept private from the rest of the outside world. Intimacy is broken down into four key elements; that is intellectual, emotional, physical, and shared activities. Each element ties two people together lovingly and willingly. These essentials also work within and enhance each other. Intimacy is about communication and the different levels of connections loved ones share.
Many would argue that out of these four elements intellectual connection might be the most important. A part of being connected intellectually is sharing a set of common goals as well as morals. Couples, who agree or at times agree to disagree with a level of understanding of one each others values, are able to communicate more effectively. A strong duo has the ability to teach and to learn from each other as they satisfy their intellectual needs. Some people appreciate the idea of being challenged mentally by their partner. They are pushed and intrigued by their lover in ways that enables them to think outside of their box. We all wish at times that we had the power to read minds, most importantly the minds of those we love. In reality, would the relationship be as much of a challenge if we did? Not having that twenty-four hour open view to our lover’s thoughts motivates us to take action towards making the intellectual connection, that is, if we care.
To care for someone is to allow you to be connected to him or her emotionally. Being the antonym of intellectualism, emotionalism is the less controlled. Emotions are criticized for its gift to overshadow and overpower our ability to be rational, so it is important to be able to share your emotions with some one you can trust. Even then, trust is another one of those emotions that may not see the light of ration. You cannot teach someone how to trust you; it is something a person must grow into on their own account. Trust in a relationship becomes a part of its basic instinct, without it the relationship is crippled. Each person looks for their partner to give them genuine emotional support. When there is trust on both sides the relationship is able to flourish and each person is able to focus on the more intense aspects of their emotional connection, their love. Love is the evidence that the emotional connection actually exists. When the love between two people is evident and being equally nourished, the relationship is nothing less than great.
No one person can clearly sum up the definition of love because there is none. Love is also about giving to someone else rather than looking for what they can give to you. Love definitely exists and while it can make you feel as though you are on top of the world, it can also be described as an x-factor. As elaborate as love is, people often make the mistake of using actions and ration as evidence of its existence and depth. Women, stereotypically more emotional than their male partners, complain and are left confused because of their belief that their lovers are not as emotionally in tuned with them. Perhaps as humans we all do not show our emotions in the same fashion. This is not proof that the feelings are not there. So at times we do allow our minds to distort our realities as well as our emotions, that is why a good balance of each of these elements determines a well-rounded relationship.
Out of these four elements, having a stable and healthy physical connection can be the most challenging as well as engaging. Most would think that having a great physical connection is nothing more than having great sex, while others believe that sex as a whole is overrated. Many people use sex as a method to satisfy their deepest urges and soon discover that they have only satisfied a temporary desire. Physical as an element of intimacy goes far beyond our wildest sexual cravings. There is a much deeper need to be met. A bodily union is also about the effects lovers have on one another physically even without touch. This is extremely more satisfying. Some couples are able to transfer their true emotions and thoughts through their body language. Physical attraction can be the most defined link between couples in the beginning stages of their relationship. It is easier to be physically connected to someone than any or the other three elements. The attraction to someone physically gives us our first inclination to become closer to that person and learn more about him or her. Without physical attraction many couples would have never crossed one each others paths. It is a starting point for relationships because many couples find it easier to communicate physically. Even when couples are having hard times communicating their thoughts, emotions, needs, and desires through words, they are able to communicate physically if that strong connection is there. Having a physical bond is one of the many things deeply connected couples share.
Although some believe that opposites attract, in order for these opposites to have a fulfilled relationship they turn to being productive with one another though shared activities that bring them closer. Couples who find they have a lot in common take pleasure in spending time taking part in the activities they both enjoy with one another, which makes the activities even more gratifying. No one wants to be completely opposite from their partner. People find comfort in being able to connect with someone through their likes, dislikes, and behaviors. Sharing activities amongst a loving couple brings excitement and interest to the relationship. Couples have more engaging and intellectual conversations with one another with out leaving their partner completely in the dark. They have fun. They share a happiness no one else in their lives understands. These shared activities are one of the aspects of the relationship along with the other three elements of intimacy that belong to the couple and no one else.
Most of us have the desire for some sort of intimacy in our lives. At times we settle for the small attributes in intimacy rather than the full package that threes four elements represent. People should ask themselves; does your relationship include all four of these elements? If so, he or she is fortunate to have found someone who is definitely a keeper. The elements of genuine intimacy if it does not already exist, cannot be achieved instantly. If you try to force it upon you and you partner too quickly,
You find yourself in an unbalanced state, searching for harmony. Intimacy also means total life sharing. Although having intimacy with someone makes a world of a difference in our lives, it can also be very frightening because of the many misunderstandings along with miscommunications we have about our lovers and the mistakes we make. Intimacy must be nurtured on a consistent basis in order for the connection to stay alive and strong. Each of the four elements help as an evaluation of the level of intimacy and what is needed to help make the relationship last.

Smile

Taja looked at her watch one last time. After a bout five minutes later the sound of her own heals cli

Taja looked at her watch one last time. After a bout five minutes later the sound of her own heals clicking against the cement began to irritate her. Just to think that in less than an hour she would be riding on cloud nine. She looked across the station to see how much longer it would be before her train came. “Ten more minutes” she gasped.

She never understood after twenty years of living why time seems to slow down when you’re in a rush to live in an unforgettable moment. She was excited. No she was more than that but was unable to come up with the words to describe it. A devilish grin began to sneak up on her face as a young man in black basketball shorts and a gray hooded sweatshirt approached her from behind. She almost didn’t recognize the voice. “Hey.” 

When she turned around she was expecting some young boy trying to get bold while boosting his ego eager for her number. But that wasn’t who she saw at all. It was her love. Her first, last, and only. “What are you doing here? You were supposed to meet me at the airport!” 

“Yeah I know but I had other plans, if that’s alright with you miss Taja” “

What plans?” She said as she folded her arms across her chest. She wanted to act as if he didn’t boost her excitement to a level in which she almost couldn’t control. She didn’t want to seem as though he had her wrapped around his enormous finger. Truth was she was but this weekend would definitely change all of that. But he knew her to well. After all these years she had given up trying to prove her womanhood to him. Fed up with chasing after his affection after he fed it to her like a bottle and ripped it away weaning her a little too early. "You don’t understand" he would say. "Yes I do" she thought. "I understand everything". But the words just were never able to leave her lips in the right way so that she could make him understand. 

She stared at him. His eyes were dark. Mamma always told her to watch out for men with dark eyes. You can never get to their soul. For all she knew he was empty. Completely deserted. If not, all she knew was that she was not allowed there but she could never stop herself from trying to sneak in. She decided to look away before her eyes told him too much about what she was thinking. 

“Come on, lets go I didn’t want you catching the train I rented a car.” He spoke in such a simple tone as he reached for her suitcase and began to walk away without even peeking back to see if she was following. He knew she was and that’s what killed her about him. That’s what was so addictive about him.

“Why would you rent a car for thirty minutes just so we can ride to the airport?” She yelped as she click-clacked behind him in her five inch black leather boots she bought specifically for this day. He didn’t notice. He didn’t respond. “Hello?” 

“What?” He finally uttered back. She was starting to believe this man was born with no emotion. “

Why do you have a rent-a-car? It doesn’t make sense.”

 “I decided that we would just drive. It would be more fun” He crossed the street above the train station ahead of her as he walked towards a black SUV and popped the trunk. 

“Okay… but your wasting plain tickets” 

“I already cancelled the flight I’ll use em’ over the summer or something.” She wondered if he planned to take her with him then. What a thought. She decided it was stupid to think about it as she erased the picture of him and her drinking lemonade on beach. As she got closer to the SUV she thought she saw something move. Closer. It was a head. “Oh lord”. It was two heads. This was the beginning of her plan unraveling. Intruders. Now was the time to say something, to put her foot down. Time to let this man know that she was going to have her way and two extras was not it. Ever since she was a little girl she never had a problem speaking her mind. She told her teacher to go to hell after she told Daddy she plagiarized because the language was “just too advanced for a fourth grader.” That’s who she was, advanced, top of the line. She knew it, he knew it, and everybody knew it. She was the top intern at the best law firm in the city. She was well on her way to becoming a successful lawyer slash politician. She was drop dead gorgeous. She was independent, dependable, and out- going. "Ferocious Taj”" is what he called her when they first got to know each other. He was her missing link. Yet He is what caused her lack of ferociousness and tenacity. He opened the trunk to throw her bag in.

“Hey Taja!” It was Paige her old high school buddy. Taja didn’t talk to her much anymore because she was always busy with work and school. Besides she was engaged to his best friend Cesar. She hated hearing about their relationship and hated the association. Her relationship could have been the same or better. She felt low whenever she spoke to Cesar knowing that he knew more than she probably ever would.

“Hi Paige. How you doing? Hey Cesar.” She forced a smile on her face but was unsure how successful she was at convincing them she was happy to see them. He was watching. He definitely knew what he was doing to her. 

“Hey!” Cesar actually looked excited. Shocking. 

Paige replied “We’re good Taj. Real good.” She paused as she looked at Cesar with a big goofy grin. He grinned back. God, Taja wanted to feel that love! She became jealous then was rocked out of her mind when Paige blurted out, “I’m pregnant!” 

“Your what?” That was all Taja could get out. She looked back at King as he opened the car door for her to get in. He was smiling. He already knew. 

“Yeah three months. We’re so excited. I can’t believe it Taj! It’ s an unbelievable feeling, I’m telling you.” Paige began to glow as she touched Cesar’s hand and kissed him on the cheek. Beautiful.

“Congrats’ to the both of you. I’m so happy for you.” She really was. After all Paige was her best friend. But she couldn’t help but feel empty inside and wonder why that couldn’t have been her. She got in the passenger seat and took in a deep breath as he walked around to the driver’s side and hopped in. He looked at her. She looked back. Then he smiled a smile she hadn’t seen in so long. He started the engine then drove off. 

“Yall ready?” He asked the goofy happy couple as he looked at them in the rear view mirror then shook his head. They didn’t respond they were too busy smiling at each other. They acted as thought they were looking at each other for the first time. Cute. 

“You ready?” he questioned Taja in an almost paternal voice as he leaned closer to observe her mood. 

“Yeah now watch the road please.” She was so confused. She wanted to know what was going on but she decided to just relax until Paige opened her mouth. 

“So King, how’s Trish doing?” She almost stopped herself as if she knew she was wrong. King looked in the rearview and swallowed hard. 

“Ummm she’s doing good I guess. She working hard you know.” 

“Who’s Trish?” Taja couldn’t help but ask. 

“My Ex” he said with regret. “My ex-fiancé” 

He kept his eyes straight ahead for a few more seconds then looked at Taja. She looked out her window. She was crushed. How could he not tell her he was engaged? Why would he call her now and offer her a trip to Las Vegas knowing he just broke off an engagement? Why? Why? She couldn’t take it anymore. Everything needed to end right now. Right here. But how? 

“Pull over King!” She screamed. She didn’t feel it coming out she just know it felt good after she did. To her surprise he didn’t fight with her as he slowly guided the SUV to the side of the road. “What is going on? Why are you doing this?” King didn’t speak. All of a sudden Cesar and Paige opened their car doors and began climbing out. 

“Where you guys going?” She asked puzzled. 

“I was just dropping them off real quick.” King tried to explain. 

“Yeah our car’s in the shop. Thanks King.” Cesar said quickly as he closed his door and walked around to Paige who was gathering all of her bags. She looked up at Taja with a sorry face.

“Our friends having a little engagement party for us. Sorry you couldn’t make it. I would have told you but I didn’t have your number.” She closed the door then walked to Taja’s window to give her a hug. “Be good okay?” She knew Taja was struggling. She knew Taja needed to make some changes but she knew she couldn’t tell her anything. She would just wait for her friend to come back to her.

Taja exhaled “Okay I will.” As she did, she felt as though she was saying goodbye forever. She was embarrassed and wanted to go hide under a rock. Why did she neglect her friend? Why was she jealous? Her and Paige used to be so tight and she allowed him to get in between them. She was ready for a change. 

“Bye”. “See you later King” Paige waved. 

“See ya have fun!” He waved back. Taja watched the happy couple disappear as she and her first and only love drove away. Taja finally understood what she needed. What she thought she needed was only continuing to add to her demise. At this rate he would be the excuse for all of her failures. She was not about to let that happen. She felt like a volcano about to burst. Her head got tense. Her tongue got tight then she let it loose. 

“Your taking me home right now. I made a big mistake, a huge mistake by believing that after six years of dealing with your indecisiveness, neglect, and dishonesty that you would come back. How stupid!” 

“Taj, listen” he spoke clearly. 

“No. You messed up. I don’t understand why I allowed you to run my life. What type of man are you?” 

“Taj!” He was obviously frustrated. So she would allow him to speak. 

“Yes!” She spit the word out like venom.

“I’m sorry.” What? Taja couldn’t believe her ears. She had never heard those words come out of his mouth. “You’re right but you know what? You allowed me to treat you the way you do. I’ve been basically waiting for the day you would stand up for yourself. I couldn’t picture myself being with someone so passive.” He looked at her. “Its too easy.” The words cut her throat. Easy? 

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” She was beginning to see the light. 

“How could I?” All of sudden her stomach began to turn. To think that that was it; that was all he needed from her but he couldn’t give her the respect enough to tell her. She didn’t see it herself. She was so much smarter than that. She was smarter than him. “So I think we should go ahead and go to Vegas and get to know each other again and talk all this over. Okay?” 

“No that’s not okay” She cut back. He smirked at her. She was bluffing. 

“Taj come on were gonna’ have a good time.”

She didn't respond. She saw that they were getting close to the train station again. She was beginning to get hot. The car stopped at a red light. 

“I’ll see you later King” Taja briskly opened the car door and jumped out. He could keep the bag she thought as she began strutting crossing the street. She kept walking as she heard him yelling her name. She walked faster as a single tear fell to the cement. Suddenly a smile crept up on her face, a free smile.i

Smile

Taja looked at her watch one last time. After a bout five minutes later the sound of her own heals cli

Taja looked at her watch one last time. After a bout five minutes later the sound of her own heals clicking against the cement began to irritate her. Just to think that in less than an hour she would be riding on cloud nine. She looked across the station to see how much longer it would be before her train came. “Ten more minutes” she gasped.

She never understood after twenty years of living why time seems to slow down when you’re in a rush to live in an unforgettable moment. She was excited. No she was more than that but was unable to come up with the words to describe it. A devilish grin began to sneak up on her face as a young man in black basketball shorts and a gray hooded sweatshirt approached her from behind. She almost didn’t recognize the voice. “Hey.” 

When she turned around she was expecting some young boy trying to get bold while boosting his ego eager for her number. But that wasn’t who she saw at all. It was her love. Her first, last, and only. “What are you doing here? You were supposed to meet me at the airport!” 

“Yeah I know but I had other plans, if that’s alright with you miss Taja” “

What plans?” She said as she folded her arms across her chest. She wanted to act as if he didn’t boost her excitement to a level in which she almost couldn’t control. She didn’t want to seem as though he had her wrapped around his enormous finger. Truth was she was but this weekend would definitely change all of that. But he knew her to well. After all these years she had given up trying to prove her womanhood to him. Fed up with chasing after his affection after he fed it to her like a bottle and ripped it away weaning her a little too early. "You don’t understand" he would say. "Yes I do" she thought. "I understand everything". But the words just were never able to leave her lips in the right way so that she could make him understand. 

She stared at him. His eyes were dark. Mamma always told her to watch out for men with dark eyes. You can never get to their soul. For all she knew he was empty. Completely deserted. If not, all she knew was that she was not allowed there but she could never stop herself from trying to sneak in. She decided to look away before her eyes told him too much about what she was thinking. 

“Come on, lets go I didn’t want you catching the train I rented a car.” He spoke in such a simple tone as he reached for her suitcase and began to walk away without even peeking back to see if she was following. He knew she was and that’s what killed her about him. That’s what was so addictive about him.

“Why would you rent a car for thirty minutes just so we can ride to the airport?” She yelped as she click-clacked behind him in her five inch black leather boots she bought specifically for this day. He didn’t notice. He didn’t respond. “Hello?” 

“What?” He finally uttered back. She was starting to believe this man was born with no emotion. “

Why do you have a rent-a-car? It doesn’t make sense.”

 “I decided that we would just drive. It would be more fun” He crossed the street above the train station ahead of her as he walked towards a black SUV and popped the trunk. 

“Okay… but your wasting plain tickets” 

“I already cancelled the flight I’ll use em’ over the summer or something.” She wondered if he planned to take her with him then. What a thought. She decided it was stupid to think about it as she erased the picture of him and her drinking lemonade on beach. As she got closer to the SUV she thought she saw something move. Closer. It was a head. “Oh lord”. It was two heads. This was the beginning of her plan unraveling. Intruders. Now was the time to say something, to put her foot down. Time to let this man know that she was going to have her way and two extras was not it. Ever since she was a little girl she never had a problem speaking her mind. She told her teacher to go to hell after she told Daddy she plagiarized because the language was “just too advanced for a fourth grader.” That’s who she was, advanced, top of the line. She knew it, he knew it, and everybody knew it. She was the top intern at the best law firm in the city. She was well on her way to becoming a successful lawyer slash politician. She was drop dead gorgeous. She was independent, dependable, and out- going. "Ferocious Taj”" is what he called her when they first got to know each other. He was her missing link. Yet He is what caused her lack of ferociousness and tenacity. He opened the trunk to throw her bag in.

“Hey Taja!” It was Paige her old high school buddy. Taja didn’t talk to her much anymore because she was always busy with work and school. Besides she was engaged to his best friend Cesar. She hated hearing about their relationship and hated the association. Her relationship could have been the same or better. She felt low whenever she spoke to Cesar knowing that he knew more than she probably ever would.

“Hi Paige. How you doing? Hey Cesar.” She forced a smile on her face but was unsure how successful she was at convincing them she was happy to see them. He was watching. He definitely knew what he was doing to her. 

“Hey!” Cesar actually looked excited. Shocking. 

Paige replied “We’re good Taj. Real good.” She paused as she looked at Cesar with a big goofy grin. He grinned back. God, Taja wanted to feel that love! She became jealous then was rocked out of her mind when Paige blurted out, “I’m pregnant!” 

“Your what?” That was all Taja could get out. She looked back at King as he opened the car door for her to get in. He was smiling. He already knew. 

“Yeah three months. We’re so excited. I can’t believe it Taj! It’ s an unbelievable feeling, I’m telling you.” Paige began to glow as she touched Cesar’s hand and kissed him on the cheek. Beautiful.

“Congrats’ to the both of you. I’m so happy for you.” She really was. After all Paige was her best friend. But she couldn’t help but feel empty inside and wonder why that couldn’t have been her. She got in the passenger seat and took in a deep breath as he walked around to the driver’s side and hopped in. He looked at her. She looked back. Then he smiled a smile she hadn’t seen in so long. He started the engine then drove off. 

“Yall ready?” He asked the goofy happy couple as he looked at them in the rear view mirror then shook his head. They didn’t respond they were too busy smiling at each other. They acted as thought they were looking at each other for the first time. Cute. 

“You ready?” he questioned Taja in an almost paternal voice as he leaned closer to observe her mood. 

“Yeah now watch the road please.” She was so confused. She wanted to know what was going on but she decided to just relax until Paige opened her mouth. 

“So King, how’s Trish doing?” She almost stopped herself as if she knew she was wrong. King looked in the rearview and swallowed hard. 

“Ummm she’s doing good I guess. She working hard you know.” 

“Who’s Trish?” Taja couldn’t help but ask. 

“My Ex” he said with regret. “My ex-fiancé” 

He kept his eyes straight ahead for a few more seconds then looked at Taja. She looked out her window. She was crushed. How could he not tell her he was engaged? Why would he call her now and offer her a trip to Las Vegas knowing he just broke off an engagement? Why? Why? She couldn’t take it anymore. Everything needed to end right now. Right here. But how? 

“Pull over King!” She screamed. She didn’t feel it coming out she just know it felt good after she did. To her surprise he didn’t fight with her as he slowly guided the SUV to the side of the road. “What is going on? Why are you doing this?” King didn’t speak. All of a sudden Cesar and Paige opened their car doors and began climbing out. 

“Where you guys going?” She asked puzzled. 

“I was just dropping them off real quick.” King tried to explain. 

“Yeah our car’s in the shop. Thanks King.” Cesar said quickly as he closed his door and walked around to Paige who was gathering all of her bags. She looked up at Taja with a sorry face.

“Our friends having a little engagement party for us. Sorry you couldn’t make it. I would have told you but I didn’t have your number.” She closed the door then walked to Taja’s window to give her a hug. “Be good okay?” She knew Taja was struggling. She knew Taja needed to make some changes but she knew she couldn’t tell her anything. She would just wait for her friend to come back to her.

Taja exhaled “Okay I will.” As she did, she felt as though she was saying goodbye forever. She was embarrassed and wanted to go hide under a rock. Why did she neglect her friend? Why was she jealous? Her and Paige used to be so tight and she allowed him to get in between them. She was ready for a change. 

“Bye”. “See you later King” Paige waved. 

“See ya have fun!” He waved back. Taja watched the happy couple disappear as she and her first and only love drove away. Taja finally understood what she needed. What she thought she needed was only continuing to add to her demise. At this rate he would be the excuse for all of her failures. She was not about to let that happen. She felt like a volcano about to burst. Her head got tense. Her tongue got tight then she let it loose. 

“Your taking me home right now. I made a big mistake, a huge mistake by believing that after six years of dealing with your indecisiveness, neglect, and dishonesty that you would come back. How stupid!” 

“Taj, listen” he spoke clearly. 

“No. You messed up. I don’t understand why I allowed you to run my life. What type of man are you?” 

“Taj!” He was obviously frustrated. So she would allow him to speak. 

“Yes!” She spit the word out like venom.

“I’m sorry.” What? Taja couldn’t believe her ears. She had never heard those words come out of his mouth. “You’re right but you know what? You allowed me to treat you the way you do. I’ve been basically waiting for the day you would stand up for yourself. I couldn’t picture myself being with someone so passive.” He looked at her. “Its too easy.” The words cut her throat. Easy? 

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” She was beginning to see the light. 

“How could I?” All of sudden her stomach began to turn. To think that that was it; that was all he needed from her but he couldn’t give her the respect enough to tell her. She didn’t see it herself. She was so much smarter than that. She was smarter than him. “So I think we should go ahead and go to Vegas and get to know each other again and talk all this over. Okay?” 

“No that’s not okay” She cut back. He smirked at her. She was bluffing. 

“Taj come on were gonna’ have a good time.”

She didn't respond. She saw that they were getting close to the train station again. She was beginning to get hot. The car stopped at a red light. 

“I’ll see you later King” Taja briskly opened the car door and jumped out. He could keep the bag she thought as she began strutting crossing the street. She kept walking as she heard him yelling her name. She walked faster as a single tear fell to the cement. Suddenly a smile crept up on her face, a free smile.