I need someone to talk to... Black Widow Butterfly

"I need someone to talk to that doesn't know me. This may be weird but I'm about to open up and get a little deep so bare with me. I live alone and have been doing so for 9 months now and where as I was accustomed to never being alone, coming from a large family and having close/live in friends roommates I find myself being a lone far beyond my comfort level. Many people frown up at the idea of me spending so much time a lone due to many misconceptions they have of me 1. My social media presence exemplifies one of a woman who frequents the night life of Hollywood and beyond 2. My outer beauty typically does not adhere to loneliness for any reason. Truth be told if I really really wanted to fulfill a presence in my home at this very moment I could do so, however I yearn for something greater. On the contrary I have had a life full of whodini lovers; Men who come into my life for a short period of time that I enjoy passionately and share a physical desire for most times a mental mutuality however for unknown reasons disappear with out reason or warning. Leaving me with questions lack of faith on men and self blame. I ask myself am I too independent? Am I not "wifey" material? Am I overly sexual? Too nonchalant? Does my actions and attitude not demand more? Or am I flat out intimidating? I have my own and have never asked a man other than my father and ex fiancé for anything. My adorable little one bedroom on the edge of Korea Town and Hollywood I put so much of my attention to perhaps is a scream for attention however I love to be surrounded with beauty and being able to be the one responsible for creating a beautiful atmosphere. I have my own car, closets full of clothes and shoes, HD TVs iPads laptops and more. I can create the complete oasis any man would love to engulf himself in which deep down is the overall motivation behind my style . I always thought of myself as wifey material being as domesticated as one single Hollywood woman could be. Being able to cook clean and monitor the home front as well as being supportive and business minded at all times. I love love love to fuck and would willingly do so all day and night, however most people could tell that about me with just one glance, sex for me at times is a sport but more so a way I communicate my passion and relate to someone I crave for in that manner, no my list of lovers is not the length of a football field yet not one I will openly discuss. This overly matured libido of mine consumes most of my ration once it is turned on full fledged and I allow for it to be the exception and excuse with out any rules. I will say, that I only share my pussy with the most gorgeous of gorgeous men; athletes, actors, models, businessmen, men with amazing strong and bold features and attitudes to match. So here I am. Laying half naked  on my black metal canopy queen bed with black sheets dark blue drapes, blue scented candles ablaze, soft music playing  thinking how ridiculous any man is for not being here and how intense my sex would be at this very moment. Even better, how obscenely preposterous it is for him not to be here every single night. I think I may be closely compared to a lonely black widow who is so desperately wanting to be a blue butterfly. I don't have the answers and never will I don't know how many times I can take someone asking me why the hell I am single with out cussing them out. I just know I am being forced to work on me and be comfortable and happy with the black widow blue butterfly that I am. Complex, sexual, spiritual, intellectual, typical, anti conformist, conspiracy theorist, simple, just me. So just so you know.. 😘" 

Dissapearing Acts

I've been in love, I've been hurt, I'm afraid of my own feelings I don't want to hurt anymore So do me a favor and spare me the disappointment while you can. I don't want to resent you or call you all kinds of unholy names. What's that you say?? I'm pessimistic?? I'd normally laugh ant that but this time I'll take it in stride. Perhaps I've already fallen in love with you, I have nowhere else to hide. like one foot in the ocean the other in the sand. I'll fight this love I'll do all that I can. I barely know you, you barely know me, but this feeling has overcome me so abruptly. I'm thinking thoughts I haven't thought in quite some time, smiling a smile that seems so ever sublime. I really really really do not want to love you, not now, at no point in time. You make me feel at ease and at peace while in your presence, like being at home on a crisp spring day. I cannot fall in love with you, it cannot end up this way. I look into the future, The day you stop retuning my calls and texts, the day I pretend to be okay with it until I see you with the next. This cannot happen to me again, I don't think I'm strong enough. You're touch is magnetic and pulls out so much of my resistance, We made love, I felt something I no longer thought existed. I cannot fall in love with you, once the bliss runs out loneliness will set in. I'll look in the mirror and say "damn I did it again." Not that your not amazing.. the fact that you are amazing is what frightens me the most I need to run away from you allow my feelings to become ghost. I'm sorry if this comes as a surprise but a broken heart is so very distracting I cannot function, think, calculate, because the pain is so impacting. So sad that the last has conditioned me to feel this way, perhaps I'm letting him win but to avoid that pain Ill chose not to sink but to swim. I cannot fall in love with you this is the way it has to be, so please do not be confused or saddened when you no longer hear from me.

My Identity: Afrocentrism vs. Feminism

I have asked myself this seemingly puzzling question before in hopes of an honest answer; as an African American female, do I identify myself more profoundly based on my race or on my gender? Perhaps the answer lies in my upbringing and the learned priorities and ideals of ethnicity and sex that have been given to me throughout the years. Maybe I am able to answer the question based on my individual and independent experiences away from home that molded my unique perspective of the two. I have even more recently pondered the idea that I may be ignorant in my full knowledge of one or the other, which allows me to place one at a higher standard. My initial response to the question, would no doubt in my mind, be that I first identify my self as Black. My individual concept of self-identity then leads me to classify myself as female somewhere a little bit later down the road. Although I am predominantly content with my answer and have been for the majority of my life I am still a bit unsatisfied. As a woman of color, a being whom in this society has been placed at the absolute bottom of the totem pole (I also identify myself with the working class), why do I not have an equal acceptance for all that I am? As I trace my past experience a sufficient explanation perhaps can be discovered.
I was raised in a family of predominantly women. Women who are strong, resilient, Afro centric, God fearing, and able. They were at the head of the family traditions such as our yearly Kwanzaa celebration in Oakland. They generally were the individuals who took other family members in who were down in luck and fortune. The women held the family together. The women in my family did not seem to be inferior to the men. Aside from the fact that they were outnumbering, they also seemed to have the ability to hold their own intellectually. In fact, more women in my family have degrees of some sort than the men. Gender roles were in fact extremely prevalent, for the women did the majority of the cooking, cleaning, and reared the children. However, these roles were fulfilled with acceptance, honor, and self-esteem. I learned at an early age from a few of the examples in my family, that typically, the man assumed the position as head of the household.
Contrary to my presumed values of men, I came from broken homes in which the men were often ridiculed for not following through with their responsibilities, thus allowing the woman to take on both hers and the male’s roles. I later came to identify this issue of domestic dysfunction as being a part of the Black experience. It is rare to find a black household that had not been plagued with the disruption and absence of the male’s influence. For this reason, in my mind, single mother hood in my community never seemed to be an issue of sexism but of racial propaganda. I absorbed the belief for the most part that my people were victims of racial providence. “ It was also true that, because enslaved children were more likely to stay with their mothers, fathers were forced to run away…. The typical runaway slave was a lone man between the ages of sixteen and thirty-five, who paid the price of losing contact with his family.” (Roberts 43) Many of our inabilities to function productively in this society were directly or indirectly caused by the mental and physical burdens we bear from slavery and the multiple years of racial oppression thereafter. I then assumed the responsibility as a black civilian to not allow myself to fall victim to “the man” any longer. I was taught to at all times give the best representation of my people at every level especially scholarly. That meant if needed, I had to work harder and take the necessary and often extra steps in order place my self in more socially superior circumstances that went above and beyond the expectations of whites as well as my African American counterparts.
Following my parents untimely divorce in 2000, due to a loss of income, my mother made the decision to move with my younger sister and I to a neighboring city near my hometown of Oakland CA. I was then forced to transfer middle schools in another near by city, which to my initial dismay was predominantly Caucasian. For the first time in my life I was no longer known as the smart light skinned girl at the school, I was the one black girl from Oakland (a metropolitan area well known for its ghettos and crime rate). I immediately put my game face on for I knew and could feel that everyone was constantly watching me. During the course of the two years I attended school in the valley, I had suffered from a few ignorant remarks pertaining to my culture and ethnicity, and was often times irritated for being singled out by teachers and classmates. They seemed to be astonished by and curious about my intellect as is if I were some sort of gimmick. However, I found my self rising to the occasion and excelling academically as well as socially. I quickly became one of the popular kids and had received numerous recognitions such as the “Student of The Month Award for November 2001.” I was asked once by a family friend why I had chose such a time to go above and beyond in my academics? I simply responded with no hesitation, “I had to prove those white people wrong.”
My learned values pertaining to my blackness taught me to believe that if I were to walk into any room, I was a representation of my people and my family, for my identity as an African American is directly linked to me through my kinship. As I ventured off into the world independently my values amplified. Simultaneously I rarely have felt the need to prove myself as a woman in a male dominated society. I am however, aware and am a victim of some of the harsh statistics that highlight gender inequalities specifically in arenas such as the workforce. I do feel as though being a minority on top of being a female has put a damper on my working class status. I have noticed that although I may feel more qualified for certain positions and pay rates, my male counterparts seem to more commonly have higher incomes than mine. Men also have a noticeably less difficult time finding new work. At the same token, being that statistically females make up a larger population in universities, I find myself not as concerned by the gender inequalities but rather in more of a competition with female counterparts.
I have never identified myself with feminist ideals. Similar to Susan Muaddi Darraj who saw a conflict between her feminism and her Arab heritage “I understood their struggles and respected their courage” however, “I didn’t like the way feminism viewed people like my mother and grandmother and aunts – and me for that matter” (Muaddi Darraj 297) Furthermore, I have felt more criticisms from females in opposition to men throughout my lifetime, which led me to feel more comfortable in a predominantly male presence opposed to female. Women have come across to me to be more opposed to my progress and less likely to be of assistance. I find myself, in terms of job searching hoping to not have a female supervisor for I have often times had more of a struggle proving my capabilities to them. Women are typically harder on one another. I have also discovered through my own discourse, that when it comes to racial differences, it is often times the women who are less accepting of integration. For example, minority women often times have greater opposition to bi-racial couples and are less likely than minority men to date outside of their race. Perhaps these womanly values are a sign of the mental domination we have suffered for multiple centuries at the hands of. One may believe that through my oppression I would feel a more defined since of womanhood, however, in these times and throughout my entire life I could not feel more isolated.
“We are not particularly women anymore; we are parties to a transaction designed to set us against each other.” (Jordan, 439) In her article June Jordan made note of the fact that women through our universal struggles have been reserved to be separated by the forces of race and class differences. For example, the issue of feminism versus race could not possibly be drawn more attention to than what it did in the previous presidential election. No single election was more historical. For the first time both opportunities of either the first African American or the first female president were sure possibilities. Although many African Americans were at one point familiar and or fond of Sen. Hillary Clinton, the majority of them were definite Sen. Barack Obama supporters for they felt a strong and deeper connection to him as a people. A connection I felt as well. I personally had some slight conflict considering my appreciation for Sen. Clinton and her legislative history; her battle for universal healthcare and the working class in particular, however voting for Sen. Obama was almost second nature. “She is still a white woman”, I recall explaining to someone in regards to my vote with a strong emphasis on white. “She does not understand all of my struggles.” In retrospect, I must ask myself what made me believe that he understood more than she? As I trace back my relationships with both women and people of African American decent it is evident that through both learned and independent experiences, I, like most women (minority in particular), have been affected in such a way that I was trained to identify myself more closely with “my people,” than with my womanhood.
Feminism has been a difficult concept for me to come to terms with. As an African American of the working class status, in comparison, gender related injustices never seemed to be as prevalent in my current oppression. I have realized that ironically, my oppression and internalized values as a member of my race and class has lead to my subjugated dismissal of my femininity. I was reared to believe that I am woman, but more importantly, I am Black. Perhaps if women were to take a step back and reevaluate our lives and our values, we could perhaps join forces based on our shared experiences while relinquishing our previous prejudices against one another. As long as women allow our racial and class differences to rule our individual perspectives of our self-identity and separate us, we will forever be victims of our own injustices.

Works Cited
Darraj, Susan Muaddi. “Its Not an Oxymoron: The Search for Arab Feminism”
Jordan, June. “ Report from the Bahamas” Feminist Theory Reader: Local and Global Perspectives Ruth McCann & Seung-Kyung Kim. Routledge: New York, 2003. 438-446.
Roberts, Dorothy. “Reproduction Bondage” Killing the Black Body: Race, Reproduction, and the Meaning of Liberty. Dorothy Roberts. Knopf 1998. 23-55.

Self-Reflexivity Essay: I am a Researcher

As a researcher, I hold multiple identities, some I am constantly aware of, and others I tend to not notice so much. Identities such as age I tend not to worry too much about. What I tend to be constantly cognizant of through my everyday life, are the aspects of my identity that either cause the most attention to myself or have a historical and current controversy within American society such as race, religion, and socioeconomic class. I had previously wrote an analytical essay in a woman’s studies course in which I proposed the idea that as an African American female, I tend to identify more with the black perspective rather than a feminist ideology. Only in the more outrageous circumstances in which I am amongst a group of all men, do I become self aware of my gender. I am always aware of my African American heritage and constantly consider circumstances in which my “race” plays a factor into the outcome. Whenever I encounter someone new, I ponder what they thought of me as a Black Person, and I am always concerned about giving off the best impression because I feel as though I am a representation of my race and my culture of people. I am also very critical of people and organizations that I believe or is known to have their own biasness against my African culture and race. My socioeconomic class has become more prominent in my life, going hand in hand with my African American heritage, because I see the unfair treatment and lack of resources given to my people. It makes me impartial against such biases and more critical to all people with wealth, power, and of the more dominant race.
As I get older and am becoming more involved in the world of academia, I come across more criticisms of religion and more specifically the more predominant or widely accepted religion such as Christianity in which I am a devout member. At times I find some difficulty to merge both ideologies and critiques of intellectualism and spirituality, however my biasness more often times lies within my spirituality. So far this has not become an issue for me because I am open to and interested in learning about different faiths and religions, in fact I find the variety fascinating and in no way do I ever use my individual religious beliefs to condemn someone else’s. It does however effect the way I see the world, society and the way people are. I make inferences about particular people who hold similar faiths as mine, and those who have opposing views. I try to be impartial as possible and I never feel as though one person’s beliefs are wrong and that only my beliefs are right, however when it comes to issues of morality and what is right versus what is wrong, such as abortion and capital punishment, I tend to have conflicting views stemming from my religious beliefs and my more logical and intellectual standards. At times, but not often, I am unable to make decision based upon my beliefs because my many different identities that have effects on my thought process conflict with one another.

An Interview of an AGNOSTIC

Introduction

Michael Esquivel Alexander is a 25-year-old Salvadorian and Mexican Telecommunications major and is also a part of the track and field team at California State University Los Angeles. Although we had been sitting beside one another in our Communications 300 course for about 6 weeks, he was brought to my full attention a few weeks prior to interviewing him through a mutual friend who had made mention of a conversation she had had with him in which he openly discussed his believes, or rather, a lack there of pertaining to religion and spirituality. His self disclosure lead her to believe that Michael was in fact an outright Atheist, one who does not believe in the institution of religion, nor that a God or higher power exists. Immediately a negative connotation of Michael resonated within me, one of misunderstanding rather than disapproval, however I was intrigued. As a Christian and as an cultured and academic individual, I have had a compelling relationship within my believe system, one that has taken me on a fascinating journey, but nonetheless, evoked inquisition in other beliefs and other ways of thinking as a means of building a well rounded panoptical view of the world around me.

I had yet to come across someone such as Michael within my age bracket that would be willing to discuss their non-belief frankly, one on one, and in an academic atmosphere. I was somewhat hesitant at first to ask Michael if he would be willing to discuss his beliefs with me, an almost total stranger, because I was not too sure how to go about asking him. The name “Atheist” seems to trigger many negative predispositions within others or religious cohorts as being a group of people who encompass pessimism towards believers, and are cruel evildoers. I was afraid that he would be offended if I were to out right ask him if I could interview him because I had “heard from a few classmates that he was Atheist.” At the same time, I was also concerned about being offended myself if he were to say or make any negative inferences towards me due to his own misconceptions or stereotypes of my belief. Religion and spiritual beliefs are subjects that are complex within their own right and are tricky topics to discuss amongst two people with conflicting views. I was both anxious and open to the communication between us and fortunately, was able to ask Michael if I could interview him in a non-audacious manner and to my gratification, he complied willingly and optimistically.

The Interview

I met Michael after his workout during the week in an empty classroom of the Music Building on the CSULA campus. After asking him some introductory questions pertaining to his background, he quickly explained to me that although he was brought up within the Catholic Church via his highly devout mother, he was never able to grapple the concept of religion. He was raised in a single parent home for the majority of his childhood in which his mother, as the matriarch, attempted to instill within him and his siblings the values of Catholicism. He explained how as a child and after exploring other forms of worship, the Catholic Church was boring to him and gave him a “negative feeling about church” because he felt as though he was being lectured and he thus created a marginalization between him and all religion. It was evident throughout the entire interview that he was a person who did not appreciate being told how to feel or what to believe in especially without concrete evidence. He stated, “I find a peace of mind in figuring things out on my own rather than being told.” When asked if he is an Atheist, he began to clarify that he thought of himself as being borderline, however from what he learned overtime, the more accurate term to describe his system of beliefs would be that of an Agnostic.

Defining the Agnostic

Upon some research I learned that there is no one true definition of Agnosticism for there are many degrees and levels to which an Agnostic believes or passes judgment upon other spiritual values. According to Michael, he is an Agnostic because although he does not believe in God, he stated that he does however, believe in “a higher power [and that] there is something beyond [humanity’s] control that dictates the rules.” As he went deeper into expressing ethnocentricity behind his beliefs, he then declared, “If I believe in anything I believe in myself and my ability to do things.” According to scholarly descriptions found on Wikepedia.com, Michael would be classified as being a Pragmatic Agnostic for he views that “there is no proof of either the existence or nonexistence of any deity, but since any deity that may exist appears unconcerned for the universe or the welfare of its inhabitants, the question is largely academic.”

When asked what is his main aversion towards religion Michael went on to describe the conflict he finds within believers placing blame on the “Devil” when something is wrong and giving the glory to “God” when something is good. Although the conversation rarely came up between him and his mother, she would simply respond to him “don’t say that mijo, you don’t understand” if he were to vocally question the reality of God amidst war, famine, and poverty in such a destructive world. Those who oppose his views and who would eagerly become just as frustrated as him because they failed to prove God’s existence would sometimes frustrate him. He thinks of religion at times as a “fall back” or an easy way out of justifying the way the world works and how humans operate and that those who practice these beliefs have no right to pass judgment upon him.

Michael brought up another key issue within religion that bothers him, that is he feels that the existence of multiple interpretations of the same and contrasting religions is perfectly okay, however he does not understand how each religion and sub religion can stand on the basis that their particular religion is superior to the other. He doesn’t understand how people can believe and try to impose on others forcefully, that their God is better and that another group’s beliefs and principles are wrong. Throughout history disputes over God, church and state, have arisen and wars have been fought even up until the present day. The very foundation for which we live in the United States of America claims to be “one nation under God,” however our government proceeds in bullying other countries of different faiths while taking advantage of their economic and industrial recourses. Based upon the core principles in which most religions function, none of these actions disposing of morals, seem to be adequate.

Understanding the Agnostic

When asked what he felt was the most common misconception of people who embrace beliefs such as himself, Michael grew extremely passionate. He likes to think of himself as a good person who cares about others and doing good things for them. He finds that some of his associates with the knowledge of his Agnosticism may be surprised by his genuine merits and good nature because they believe that people who don’t believe in God are bad people who are selfish, self centered, and rebellious. He says frequently,“I care about people, its so easy.” Although he has his qualms with religion, he accepts some of it’s most influential core concepts such as the 10 commandments and adopts certain key ideals within his everyday life such as the one found in Mathew 7:12, “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” Michael also finds himself disappointed at times by those believers who don’t reciprocate such actions, thus further validating, in his mind, his choice to stray away from religion.

Michael’s status as an Agnostic comes from a more individualistic identity rather than that of a group, for he doesn’t “go out of his way to partner up with other agnostics” as a form of creating some sort of radical movement. Instead, he chooses to worry about the things that concern him the most, that is, going to school, doing well, and preparing for the future. Although he knows it sounds narcissistic, he believes that if most people worried more about providing their own success rather than conforming with larger groups who are more concerned with correcting the wrongs of others, the world would be a lot better off. He plans to adopt children one day rather than having any of his own, and when asked what are the values he would teach them, he responded that he would insure them that “it is okay to have questions and wonder why [things are the way they are], but at the same time [they] need to know what [they] stand for.” He will teach his children what he has learned during his journey as a person with his own beliefs, that is, although at times he had to fight, he learned eventually that rather than getting frustrated with those who didn’t understand him, he had to learn and accept the way people are, and he takes that knowledge help him in his everyday life.

My Conclusion

There is no doubt in my mind that Michael Esquivel Alexander is a good and kind hearted person who just so happens to have his own understanding concerning his own spirituality and religion. Mostly everything that he spoke of pertaining to the institution of religion I could not help to identify with, because I to have found my own issues within them even as a devoted and God fearing Christian of non-denominationalism. I agree with Michael’s beliefs that you don’t necessarily have to go to church and abide by it in order to be a spiritual person and to follow its core values, however I personally have met God and know him in my heart body and soul. I do not condemn but rather understand how Michael could have ventured away from religion as a child because at the time it did not seem to resonate within him, however I had a different experience growing up and was moved through learning about the word of God in the Bible through my mother, grandparents, and other elders in my community. I in no way blame Michael for his beliefs and interpretations and in fact, commend him for openly vocalizing them all while being non-assertive and not attempting to force his understanding on to others. From my own interpretation, I would say Michael is mostly open-minded when it comes to spirituality and is not completely opposed to it. What he has taken from religion and its core values, is what I believe is the overall intended purpose of religious faith. Although Michael Alexander may not believe in God and the institution that promotes him, he has still more been positively influenced by its foundation to fulfill the greater good, that is, doing good for others, abiding by the 10 commandments, and treating others as you wish them to treat you. He is a perfect yet ironic example of how faith and God has not completely failed.